lost

Something's going on with me, and its gaining momentum like a snowball rolling down a hill. But in slow motion. I think.

I used to suffer from depression, on and off. Its hard to say if it was truly clinical or just depression due to events happening in my life. Either way, I was using Effexor for about 2 years to great success before I got married. I weaned myself off of it before then so that Troy and I could conceive as soon as possible. Effexor is not safe for pregnancy, nor for nursing. And may I add that the weaning process of Effexor was awful - I felt like absolute crap.

Lately I've been feeling kinda blue - to lesser or greater degrees, depending on the day. I'm not wholly convinced that my feelings are clinical depression resurrecting its ugly head - but it could be. As I said in my last post, it could just be stress of motherhood and lack of sleep. I'm generally happy, but there's something deep inside me it seems that just makes me want to cry and cry and the days seem to stretch before me with a vastness that seems both desperate and horrifying at the same time.

Hopefully, this makes absolutely no sense to you, kind reader, in that you have no idea what it feels like to be depressed. For those of you, however, that nod in recognition, I'm sorry.

What gave me revelation yesterday was that during my 30 minute weekly massage therapy appointment, my therapist was working on my neck (a source of constant stiffness and pain - no doubt I carry a lot of stress there) and as she eased my muscles there I started to cry. Silently, albeit, but tears started to escape my closed eyelids and I was so EMBARRASED but there was nothing I could do. I'm sure she noticed, but thankfully she saved me some shred of dignity and said nothing.

I don't know what to do. I'm going to sit on it a while. Maybe my massage appointments give me my 30 minutes of silence a week (obviously I'm not getting enough of that) and I spend the time thinking (too much). I think about how much I love Ethan - and how vulnerable I feel now because I put my whole life in his hands, really (more so than he in mine) because if anything ever happened to him I'd be absolutely devastated and really could not contemplate existing. Thoughts like that scare me. Then I get all paranoid about his health, safety, and above all, his HAPPINESSS which is a huge responsibility. And in my paranoia, and probably most disturbing at this time for me, I get these horrifying mental images that flash in my head of awful things happening to him. I see these visuals, which just sort of plant themselves into my head like a virus, and then they wont go away. They are too awful to type down here, but they are gory and nightmarish. Then I think I'm going crazy, having the ability to even think about stuff like that. Now - these aren't images of things that I would be responsible for or anything like that - but accidents or something.

Its too awful to even acknowledge. But I guess I just did.

I need more sleep. I need to see my friends more. I need my mum to visit soon. I need more help around here. I need a glass of wine, and a break of more than an hour that I try to ENJOY and not just miss EThan terribly and wonder if he's okay in the hands of someone else. I need to just chill out and stuff.

Anyway, that's what has been on my puny mind lately. If I think about it I get too freaked out. If I don't I go back into auto pilot and take care of my wonderful little boy. I give him everything I have. I need to save my sanity for myself.